This is probably the first time I have ever said or written these things. It's sad how at one time so many people meant the world to me and now are no where to be found.
Let's see, these past few years have been a roller coaster to say the least. To understand most of my decisions and beliefs you have to understand where I came from and events that have strongly altered and at some point shattered my belief system. For most of my life I was raised in a church and spent a lot of time dedicating my life to the Lord and his work. At the age of 17, I felt as if my life was going in a right direction and I was living my life as best as I knew how, I had not learned that the decisions of others could greatly affect my life. So at 17 a life altering decision was made and sent me into a frenzy. Never in my life had I seen so much hurt and pain as I did that day. As she collapsed in my arms and I held her on the floor so many thoughts flooded my mind; how, why and when. As the weeks went by after I found that sadness turned into bitterness and soon to anger. Anger not just towards the people that created this whirlwind but toward God for letting it happen and hurting so many people that I loved. As soon as individuals began seeking counseling the blame game was soon to follow. How could you try and throw this on to someone else’s back for them to carry. Through all of this my anger began to rise until one day it was enough, I left. I checked out emotionally, physically and mentally. In the next few years I created scars within myself that I try to hide. In that time I experienced pain in new and different areas of my life between painful relationships, with more pain than one person could comprehend, to trying to find peace in my life. So here I sit, 7 years later, still just as lost and confused on a spiritual level. I stopped believing in organized religion years ago, however, still somehow held onto my belief in God. In the last few months I have been contemplating trying to find a decent church, with this thought brings pain and curiosity.
So with the breakup of Cassie and I, I have been dating men again. It is like a rat race. It seems like everyone is running to get the cheese but once they get it, it seems like they're lost and don't know what to do next. That was a horrible analogy so with that I'm off of here.
2 comments:
Becca,
The courage to even write these feelings, just tells me how much of a decent person you are.
You have gained strength through all the hurt, pain, and questions of why. I see that in your Father from time to time. The strive to overcome and be better is a testamony of God guiding you all the way. He will never give up on our family I'm convinced of that.....
Love MOM
If you are reading this, I am posting my family and close friends responses. I am on a journey and want to remember these words and where I was when I began. I don't believe in dwelling in the past however, I do believe in learning from it.
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